Category Archives: Silly

Why Don’t They Write Back?

Hi Tim,

You earlier showed interest in video creation for Muppetz. Haven’t heard back from you in a while.

Me and You can discuss and also plan more affordable + effective Video Strategies.

If there is a more suitable Budget, I can share examples that can be created within the same OR If there is a type of video you liked on our website, I can discuss similar ideas and budgets.


Be Awesome
Orko || Director & Producer
PH +18664483073

Is it ever the RIGHT time though?
Leaves fall from the sky this time of year, the hot air balloons come crashing down all around me while I scream internally “I NEED A VIDEO OF MY LIVER WEARING PYJAMAS”

Has anyone made a video of them eating a whole ream of A4 paper?

Now might be the time for us to shine!! I want to optimise my Search Engine Optimisation, are videos and sitemaps.xml meant to be deployed at the same time or should I work on my same origin policy?

Christ I love Videos,


Oppression at Goodman Fielder


Today I purchased a Tuckers Ridge Pie. Overall it was very tasty and I thoroughly enjoyed it, however I became alarmed when reading the back of the pie’s packaging.It states on the back of the pie packet that “We’re up before the sun perfecting our classic recipes” and I got a chill down my spine. Was this a thinly veiled cry for help? Is a product development team at Goodman Fielder being held against their will, forced to rise before the sun every morning, pressured to make what was, in my opinion, an already excellent pie even better?

It goes on to state that they are “continuing our worldwide search for new ingredients to storm the mouths of New Zealand pie-hards”. Wonderful prose indeed, but why do they have to get up so exhaustingly early to do this? Do they live a very long way away from the Goodman Fielder office and have an extensive commute time?

The more I think about it, the more questions I have!

1) Who’s the “We” in “We’re”. Is it the pastry chefs? The team making the fillings? The people who print the pie packets? Or is is ALL Goodman Fielder staff being forced awake pre-sunup? Did you, person who has to read (and unfortunately, probably respond to) this email, get up before the sun today? Was it of your own accord? Given it’s Summer at present, this means the sun is rising at approx 5:40am. Ouch.

2) Are they prised out of bed in the dark because they must catch the first plane of the day, made to scour distant locations for these prized exotic ingredients? (Are they given a decent travel budget if so?)

3) Finally and I think this is the most important question I have: Do they get to go to bed early?

Thank you for any reassurance you are able to give me.

Kind Regards,
Tim Harman

PS: If your emails are being monitored and you’re unable to respond in plain text about the oppressive conditions you’re working under, just capitalise every important letter in your reply and I’ll decode it and raise the alarm.

New ParkMate Options

From: ParkMate
Sent: Friday, 28 September 2018 12:20 PM
Subject: Host Park has launched and check out the newly added features in ParkMate. Be sure to update on 02/10/18

Have you ever paid for parking with the wrong rego….

perhaps selected the same product twice….

or had a transaction declined resulting in an invalid parking session?

If you’ve ever had to contact us for a refund request, we’ve felt your pain so have made some key changes to help reduce the need for refund requests.

Active Rego Change
If you have multiple vehicle registrations loaded to your ParkMate account and accidentally start a parking session with the wrong rego, you now have 15 minutes to change to the correct rego. You can change rego by selecting your current session and then adding your correct registration.

Duplicate Products
We have removed the possibility of purchasing duplicate parking sessions. No longer will you be able to accidentally purchase the same parking product, therefore only paying for the session you use!

Multiple Payment Options
You now have the ability to load multiple credit or debit cards against your ParkMate account. You can simply switch between payment options on the confirmation screen – just in case one of your cards is running a little low on funds.


Thank you for your email.

Some options I would like to see:

  1. The app hears when you get a parking ticket and automatically transcribes all the swear words into a nice email and sends it to the owner of the parking space.
  2. A sister app called “ParkEnemy” where you can buy someone else’s ticket off them in real time (at an inflated price to make it less likely to happen, and they don’t know it’s happened), thus ensuring that person gets a ticket.  Used when you see some idiot in their BMW taking up 2 spaces, or you just want to see your workmate crying at their desk.
  3. Upgrade of all parking metres to say things like “Hey you’re looking mighty fine today Tim” as you walk past them.  If you have just paid $20 or more for a park it’s even more complementary “Those glasses really suit you Tim, have you lost weight?” etc.
  4. The app detects when you’re riding a bicycle and sends abusive text messages to your friends “Look at me being all high and mighty riding a bike, I should be in a car like normal people, who am I, Lance Armstrong??”

I have more ideas if you’d like to hear them.

Kind Regards,

Tim Harman

Requiem for a teatowel

Farewell manky chequered blue tea-towel
Your time has come
I went to dry my cup on you today
You’re no longer there
By a new teatowel
A red one
A CLEAN red one

I remember once
When I first joined
I took you to the laundromat to get you cleaned
You looked the same after
Brown bits

I bid you adieu
You were special
And smelly
I hope you’re at the Oxyplus factory
Being used
As the new definition of stubborn stains



I'm Dirty But You'll Use Me Anyway

I’m Dirty But You’ll Use Me Anyway

Fingers Crosssed


I am writing to kindly ask that my $1 “Other ATM” fee this morning be refunded. I had to go to the smelly Westpac ATM because the ASB ATM in Taradale was out of service.

I trust you will see kindness in your heart and realise that I would be much better to spend that $1 on a Mars Bar for a morning snack.

Yours in a dislike of Fees,


Update: I got my $1 back.

Chicken Costumes

From: Tim Harman []
Sent: Sunday, 10 August 2014 9:37 p.m.
To: Info
Subject: Winning Wheel Question

Hello There!

I have a question which I am hoping you can answer for me.

Tonight my wife and I were discussing what is/isn’t allowed when it comes to being
on the “Winning Wheel” segment. The conversation arose because I expressed my
desire to wear a large chicken costume and do nothing but cluck through the whole
segment, if we were so lucky as to win a spot on the segment.

My wife, being the smarter of the two of us, said that there’s no way she’d let me
wear a chicken costume and/or cluck, and that NZ Lotto almost certainly wouldn’t
allow someone to dress up as a chicken anyway.

So my question is: What are “the rules” around the Winning Wheel segment?
Can a contestant wear a large chicken suit if they so desire?

Many Thanks,

Tim Harman
Hi Tim,

Thank you for your enquiry.

While we have guidelines we follow during filming to ensure the integrity of our
products, we remain flexible as each winner’s story is very different.

There is no current ruling on wearing chicken suits.

Thanks for taking the time to write to us and good luck with your tickets.

Best regards,
<name removed>
Corporate Communications Advisor

PO Box 8929, Symonds Street, Auckland 1150
73 Remuera Road, Remuera, Auckland 1050, New Zealand

Would You? Would you really?

—–Original Message—–
From: Tim Harman []
Sent: Tuesday, 26 November 2013 9:11 p.m.
To: info
Subject: Would you? Would You Really?


Every time I get down your packet of cones from the top shelf of our pantry, I see the little message on the side that says “We’d love to hear from you” and I always think to myself “Would they? Would they LOVE to hear from me?”. Then I make an Icecream, slide the cones back up onto the top shelf and think to myself “I should ask them that one day”

So I guess this me asking “Would you really love to hear from me?”

Look at it from my point of view: I’m a 37 yo man. I work in IT, doing network designs (You’ve probably fallen alseep by now, right?) I don’t even _eat_ the icecream cones, I make them for my wife. She loves Goody Goody gumdrops. (I’m not so sure myself, I’m more of a plain old chocolate icecream guy myself.) I just don’t think there’s that much about me worth hearing about, at least in the context of Icecream Cones.

Anyway, I hope you have loved hearing from me? If you haven’t, I would suggest updating the wording on future packets to say something like “We might like to hear from you, but only if it’s Icecream related”. Though that probably wouldn’t fit on the box as easily.

Yours in a love of having burning questions answered,


PS: At least I have enjoyed writing to you! 🙂



Hi Tim!

Thanks for asking a great question. I hope I can offer a satisfactory answer to you.


There are a few reasons why we really do love to hear from people.

I am sure you can appreciate the value in receiving feedback on our products. We learn what people enjoy about our cones and sometimes we
get ideas for new cones coming through too.

But most importantly, and simply, is that it subsequently provides us with an opportunity to personally thank people for choosing our

Your family may have been purchasing our cones for years without us knowing about it.
But now, since you took the time to make contact, we can finally say it – thank you for choosing our products!!

Tim, have a great Summer. Enjoy some chocolate ice-cream (perhaps even in a cone!) and next time you pick one of our products off the shelf you’ll know that we appreciate you making that choice.

Thanks again and best regards,

Mike Dephoff
General Manager
Tawse Foods Ltd

PS – I’m more of a coffee ice-cream guy 🙂

Powershop: 1 – Tim H: 0

You gotta hand it to powershop, they know how to have a good laugh.

They posted this to their Facebook specials page:

Seal up those cracks, the southerly’s back, and he’s bringing the chill as he’s blowing flat tack. But relax Powershoppers, all is not lost, our Wintervention will help you defrost!

Me, being the eternal plonker, posted this in reply:

I quite liked the poem, though I thought it could have made better use of rhyming techniques and maybe had a similie or two. However it was a fine attempt for a Friday afternoon, 3 and 1/2 out of 5 stars.

So as a reply, they posted this!

@Tim H, a tale for you
it sounds a bit strange, but we swear that it’s true!

Our rhymes they are awful, of this we’re aware,
but don’t blame the writer, that wouldn’t be fair!

Our old specials gremlin wrote a little too clunky,
so we traded him in for a well trained monkey!

Now the monkey he tries, but he’s quite prone to fail,
which is perhaps our fault! (we got him on sale…).

So the reason the rhymes have been a bit crazy
is probably our doing, today we were lazy!

We gave monkey the wrong brain-med prescription,
and then made the poor thing write the description!

Now’s he’s all hopped up and running a muck,
we’ll have to try and catch him! (Please wish us luck)

So this week we’ll blame that drugged monkey-freak,
but we hope to improve, a humans writing next week…

-The Product Gremlin